Leave the cake tin alone you fool,
Leave the last chocolate muffin for your Gran,
You’ve had two buns and a biscuit,
Some trifle and yoghurt, with bran.

I’ll diet from tomorrow, I’ll psyche myself up,
I’ll have one last day like a pig,
From tomorrow it’s wholemeal and fruit juice,
Raw carrot and syrup of figs.

I got all worked up, excited, near manic
At the thoughts of my positive thinking,
So I went for a jog up the hill to the woods,
‘Till I collapsed to my knees and got thinking…

Gasp…I’ve probably done too much, I should have started slower,
I started out too fast, I knew I would,
Gasp… It was that last bend that did me and creased me,
Sprinting… Gasp… not good.

Looking like a pro in my track suit and trainers,
With my sweatshirt and hair gelled into place,
With a second breath of wind, I was just like an athlete,
With a fixed healthy grin on my face.

As I zoomed round the bend, cars zoomed up the hill,
I could see them admiring my technique,
I bet they were thinking I was dead fit,
With my sweatband and Adidas feet.

Well I collapsed in a heap on an old dry stonewall,
And I floundered for what I thought was my last breath,
I can clearly remember visualising the headlines,
Overweight Jogger, Jogs to his death.

So I turned and set off home, dreaming of a bath,
Stopping this time when a car passed me by.
I stood there pretending I was stretching,
As I spied from the corner of my eye.

And as soon as they’d gone, I plodded on back home,
And started rationalising my fanatical ways,
“I can’t really fit this in daily,
I’ll do it on alternate days”.

“Apart from weekends and Wednesday’s,
‘Cause Wednesday’s I usually wash the car,
And all that bending is exercising anyway,
And you can always take this health kick too far.

I’d better have a check up at the doctors,
A check on my lungs and my heart,
Examine proper and thorough,
Then that’s when I’ll probably start.

So I eventually got back home and kicked off my shoes,
And by this time I was feeling rather fit,
All that fresh air and drizzle had made me feel peckish,
And it wouldn’t harm, just to nibble, a bit.

And it’s no good dieting and starving yourself,
If you’re not going to exercise or jog,
So I’ll start when I’ve had my check-up with the doctor,
I think I’ll have a biscuit and give half to the dog.

I bet these biscuits taste nice with that apple mint jelly,
And I should really use it up before I start,
And I might as well finish off these crumpets,
And round it off with a nice home-baked tart.

Leave the cake tin alone you fool,
Leave the last chocolate muffin for your Gran,
From tomorrow it’s fruit juice and carrots,
But today I just don’t give a damn……

Ian Hicken 1980 ©